just a little rant

I think I have been on this for about 5 years. It all hit when my grandpa died. Ever since, I ask what life & death mean. Do you know? We lost some dear folks in just one year (and some I had beef with, but it still hurt she died with no peace made... & truth is, maybe we both did not want to). I get scared of losing my kin, my man, my pets... But I know that's how it goes. Born, live, & die. I ask if I'll get old, have kids & grandkids, make a good life. But I fear dying at any time. It could come at once. I try to get out of these thoughts — smoke up, game for hours, or code online — but the thoughts stay. I have a good life. Nice home. Good job. I'm fine. I went through a lot, & thought of ending it for years. Then, I cared not much for life — or death. I tried once to end it, a real bad day. Lucky, I lived. I just don't want to die young... I think 70 years might be long enough. What hurts is the thought of the pain for those who stay. Just to think of my man or my mom in that pain... so sad. I know I don’t post this stuff much, and have been off for days... it's that I feel real down. I stay in, & even a chat with my mom feels like it's the last. I just want to stop these dark thoughts & have a long, happy life — no bad thoughts or blues. But it feels like it won’t change. I think I need new pals. If you feel like this or think these things, I’m here. Let's chat, share, & think on it... Sorry for the sad vibe, but I just had to talk about it.