just a little rant

i think it’s only been about 5 years since i really started thinking about death, ever since i lost my grandfather... i’ve been questioning the meaning of life and death ever since, you know? in less than a year, we lost some really close and loved people (and others i had some conflicts with, but it still hurt she died and we never got the chance to make peace... and honestly, maybe neither of us really wanted to). i’ve been feeling scared of losing my close family, my husband, my pets... but at the same time, i know that’s our nature. to be born, to live, and to die. i keep thinking if i’ll live to grow old, if i’ll have kids and grandkids and build a family and a good life. but i’m also afraid of dying at any moment, like it could happen anytime. i’ve been looking for ways to escape these thoughts — smoking a joint, playing games for hours, or coding on my neocities site — but even then, i can’t stop thinking. i have a good life. i live in a nice home, i have a good job. i’m happy. i’ve been through a lot of bad stuff, and i even had suicidal thoughts for years. back then, i didn’t give life — or death the value they deserve. i even tried to take my own life once, and it was one of the worst days i’ve ever had. luckily, i survived. i just don’t want to die too young... i feel like 70 years would be enough. what hurts the most is thinking about the pain of those left behind. just imagining my husband or my mom going through that makes me feel incredibly sad. i know this isn’t the kind of stuff i usually post here, and i’ve also been offline these past few days... it’s just that i’ve been feeling extremely depressed. i barely leave the house, and even talking to my mom makes me feel like it could be the last time. i just want to stop thinking like this and live a long, happy life — no intrusive thoughts, no depression... but sometimes it feels like that’ll never change. i think i need new friends. so, if you’re going through something similar or have thoughts like the ones i wrote here, i’m gonna leave a chat open just for this topic. we can talk, share things, reflect together... sorry for the heavy vibe but i just really needed to get this off my chest.